My Candy
by dramaaddict8807
Summary: Kind of my version of Tom's thoughts on Christina with some quotes from each episode. I may do a little of my own matchmaking to speed them along.
1. Pilot

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of HawthoRNe… Nor do I wish to claim that responsibility… Also I am borrowing a few wonderful lines of theirs here and there…**

**AN: I have tried to write stories before but was never very good at keeping them up… I hope I do but if I don't, don't hate me…**

**Pilot**

"_Why do your patients like you so much?"_

"_I give them candy."_

I tried not to think of her like that today. It was after all only a year ago. Michael was a good man, a good husband. He was a friend. She is a friend. That was how he needed to think of her, especially today. She needed a friend.

I tried not to think of her like that today, but I had to wonder how many pieces of candy it would take to get her to like me. She is a friend so of course she likes me but not like that. This brings me back to why I shouldn't think of her that way. As for why today, because it was only a year ago and she needs a friend today. So I must leave the thought of how many pieces of candy it would take to another day.

I am tired and it has been a long day. Even longer for Christina I imagine. She once again comes into my mind as always. I tried to keep myself busy so as not to think about her, but she is impossible to avoid. I did succeed in not thinking of her like that as much as I usually do.

I should probably go home. It is late, how late I'm not sure. 12:03. I guess it is early the next day. This means I can think of her in that way. I am in the safety of my office and she is no longer in the hospital. So this brings me to the question I had earlier, _yesterday_, of candy. Because the simple fact is I would become Willy Wanka if that is what it takes. She is worth it.

She reminds me of my candies. She is hard, tough. Though not unbreakable, as was proved by Michael's death. Which I know every time I come across a broken piece I am disappointed, saddened even. When I see her broken, certainly saddens me. Yet no matter hard or tough they are still sweet and have the sole intention of bringing good to people. Sometimes being rather destructive in their quest to do so, as my dentist often reminds me. He claims I enjoy too much often not appreciating the risk of it. Yes, she is most certainly just like my candy. Always trying to do the right thing, no matter the consequences, and I enjoy her far too much. I have taken the hits more times than I should have, or more than a simple friend would. I have nearly lost my own job more than once, but as Christina likes to say, "Doctors don't get fired."

Maybe she is the reason I have such an affinity for candy. If I had a psychology degree I am sure I would tell myself that I am using the candy as a substitution for what I want but can't have. However, the difference I see between my candy and Christina, other than that I have one and not the other is that where I can have too much candy, I can't see myself ever having too much Christina. I can't imagine life without her. So I will keep her as a friend. Where I can't actually be Willy Wanka, I will have to continue to give her the candy I can produce in the forms of friendship, support, and of course, job protection.

I really should go home because I know she will give me a hard time if she knows I slept on my office couch, again and Christina Hawthorne is a force to be reckoned with.


	2. Healing Time

**Healing Time**

"_Everybody deserves a second chance."_

I know she didn't hear what I really wanted her to hear when I said that. Why should she? I have so far prided myself for giving no indication as to wanting anything more. She got a second chance today with me, because of my feelings for her. Were it any other doctor she may not have been fired because the patient lived but she would have been on very thin ice. I can't help but forgive her. I was so angry with her, but I knew, before she told me, I knew she was reliving those days. I know it was hard on her. I also know she thought it was different until that moment that I pulled her off of him.

I wish she knew that I had many meanings for my statement. They deserved a second chance at having kids. She deserved a second chance at doing her job, which we all know is actually her one hundred and second. She deserved a second chance at life, love. I wanted to be that second chance. I can't tell her that.

It killed me to see her with him today. I know it was all just a ruse. I know that she was trying to do the right thing. It was hard for me to watch her go through that again, the role of the scared and concerned wife, she knows it too well. I was jealous of a dying man and his relationship with her, and though it wasn't real, it was a role I knew too well. How sick is that to envy a dying man? Not the fake husband but the real one, because if I am honest with myself, that is when it all started. My feelings for her developed first out of a deeper friendship but I realized I would be lucky to find a woman as wonderful as the one Michael had found. Then I realized she was one of a kind.

Michael didn't help matters by telling me to take care of her and Camille. He trusted me, so deeply so he left his most important and prized possession in my care, his family. He often asked me why I wasn't married, because it was the best thing that ever happened to him, she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me that she was the reason he became a family man. He never thought of it before then, marriage. I know that she is the best thing to ever happen to me, and thought I have always wanted a family; she changed my ideas about how I planned to go about that. I can't help but feel incredibly guilty, because I feel as though I am betraying my friend, and most importantly his trust.

Here I was today thing some similar thoughts some new ones. Like how dare he claim her as his wife when I am next in line? She is mine, not his. Yet, she isn't mine, she never has been. Though I must confess, as angry and jealous it made me at how easily she assumed the role, it made me fall for her harder. That care and compassion she shows as a mate. I can only hope that she will someday show that to me.

I remember speaking with Michael one night a week before he died. We convinced Christina to go home and get some sleep, but only on the promise that I wouldn't leave his side in her stead.

"She's beautiful isn't she?" How could he know I was beginning to feel for her? Have I let it show?

"Yes." I know it came out strangled, but I think in his weak and tired state he didn't notice.

"I tell you, Tom, if you ever find a woman that makes you feel so strong even when you are weak, one who drives you crazy but you can't stand to be mad at her for more than a minute. You fight for her; you fight to get her, to keep her, to live for her. I've told you before, that I never wanted to get married or have children, and then I met Christina. I have made mistakes, big ones. I never told her but I suppose she has the right to know, and I plan to. Some mistakes are inexcusable. I treated her in ways no woman should be treated, most of all one as special as her. I hope she will be able to forgive me. She is an amazing and frightful woman. She seems strong, but she can be weak. She needs someone that can put her in her place sometimes. You are good at that. Camille is going to be a lot of trouble for her, and she will need a male around to look after her as a father would. She likes you and respects you as much as a teenager can. Tom, I need you to promise me something, I need you to look after them, care for them. Can you do that for me? Please?"

"I can try."

"Promise me."

"I promise. I will look after them."

So far I have been able to keep that promise. I want to continue to, but I fear that if I try and move from the friendship we have, I may lose her for good. Still, she deserves a second chance even if that isn't me she deserves it. I just want her to be happy.


	3. Yielding

I'm BACK! Ok. so for those followers and favoriters, I am so so sorrry, but I did warn you I was terrible. So the show just became available on Netflix so I am re watching and will write as I feel inspired. So no promises.

Yielding

"_I didn't mean to get you in the middle of this."_

"_It's okay. I got myself in the middle of it."_

"_I really just wanted to make this easier for him."_

"_Yeah, but he's not your patient, Christina. She is."_

"_Think it's impossible to say goodbye to the people you love."_

I know she meant well, and that she was struggling with thoughts of how hard it was to say goodbye to Michael, to let him go. She just wanted to give Eddie a chance to say goodbye, to make it easier for him than it was for her. I run interference with Morrissey because even though she can handle herself, I want to protect her. I guard her from the back lash, so she doesn't have to deal with it while she is struggling. I take the heat because I understand what she is doing and why she is doing it, but mostly because I love her and want to lighten her load.

I often put myself between her and the fall out of whatever crazy scheme she has come up with. I try and talk her out of most of them, which never works. Today, I just went along with it, though it didn't stop me from ribbing her about it. She is so charming and beautiful, and I can't help but be amazed at how she can turn a closet, she argues storage room, into a beautiful "private suite". I tell her she is unbelievable and she says thank you. I didn't mean for her to take it as a complement, thought in my heart it was one. She amazes me.

I know it is hard for her to see Eddie struggle with the pain and the difficult decisions that she went through with Michael. It kills me that I can't help. I can't change things for her, can't do more for Eddie. I wish I had the words to make it easier for them both. I can't help them, but like I said to Christina, Eddie isn't my patient, his mother is. My job is to do what is best for her, to relieve her suffering.

Maybe it is selfish, in fact I know it is selfish, but it hurts me a little. I wonder if she will ever be able to say goodbye to Michael, to let go and be happy again, love again. I know it is unfair for me to think of my pain when hers is the more important feeling of loss. I just want to be there for her, and I try to be as her friend, but I want to be more than that for her. A friend can only take on so much, help in some ways. I'm a doctor. It is my natural instinct to heal, and to take the best course of action to relieve pain and suffering. I truly believe that I could heal her much more fully of the hurt in her heart if only I had the chance. I want to be let in deeper, to fix her more buried pains. There is no room for me, until she lets go of Michael. I would never expect her to forget him, or even stop loving him. But she needs to let him go, and love the memory. I think she will, in time. She isn't ready to do that yet. So, for now, I will have to wait.

I will walk with her to deal with the difficult moments, take heat for when she does something crazy and yet terribly endearing, and joke and tease her because her smile and the way her eyes dance is just too good to miss. I can do these things for her. I can be her friend. I can even smile and scoff like it doesn't send my heart into a tailspin when she says I'll make somebody a good husband someday. I want to be that for her, but the way she says it I know the idea of us has never crossed her mind. It kills me when she compliments me like that, makes me feel like I would be a great man for somebody but doesn't even realize I want it to be her.

So, now I take on the roll of friend again, and offer my help. I can help clean up after she pulls off another crazy scheme, whether it is with the boss or moving furniture. I have to admit that this time I was a bit of a co-conspirator, even though the room part was all her, making calls and trying to buy time for her and Eddie. As we silently undo all of the hard work and care she put into making it a comforting and peaceful place, I think of how wonderful she truly is. Unbelievable was the word I used earlier, and it really is the best word to describe her, in every sense of the word. She is unbelievably smart, kind, caring, bold, crazy, frustrating, defiant… Unbelievably beautiful. I steal glances at her and think; even if I am stuck being a friend for now, it is the next best place to be. She is unbelievable. Unbelievably perfect and imperfect at the same time, unbelievably Christina.


	4. All the Wrong Places

All the Wrong Places

"_No, that's not luck. That was all you."_

"_Oh, no, no, no, no. You made the call."_

"_You twisted my arm. You're not always gonna be right, you know."_

"_You sure about that, Dr. Wakefield?"_

She can't always be right, but she is this time, and so far, every other time. She doesn't always go about it in the right way, like with David, but she is usually right. She was right with David, he is in remission, and he has a right to know. I just didn't want to mess it up this time, not with this patient.

Christina wasn't there, though she should have been, and I'm glad she wasn't. Camille had been sick, so Christina had to stay home with her for the week. Camille couldn't be around Michael, with his compromised immune system. I had received the test results, and was so excited I couldn't wait to tell him. He was in full remission, it was amazing. I had seen relief and joy in patients and their families before, but I had never felt it with them. Michael was my friend and this was special. The look on his face as I shared the news was the most rewarding moment in my years as a doctor. I told him he should call Christina, she would want to know right away. Then he got very serious.

"_Listen, Tom, I know you're the medical expert here, not me, but I've been in the hospital and the support groups enough to know, this disease can be cold and mean. I don't want to tell her yet, and I don't want you to do it either. Christina has been a great wife, better than I deserve. She has fought this cancer harder than either of us, with will power alone. If we're wrong and she thinks I'm better only to find out I'm not, it will crush her. I can't give her false hope. After all we've been through this seems too good to be true. I have to be certain, run it again, please."_

He was right, if his relief was the best reward I had ever received, taking that from my friend, had to be the severest punishment. We never told Christina. All I could think of when I saw David's result was I couldn't do that, not again, not with this patient. I was furious when I found out she had gone behind my back, but his test were clean. She was right.

As for the mother, she was right there too. I didn't want to give in to here. I wanted to just ignore her, but it came down to trust. She told me to trust her, and I do. She doesn't handle things the right way every time, but she is a damn good nurse. I trust her smarts, her experience, and her instincts. I trust her passion, and the way it drives her to always do what's right for the patient. That's why when I stepped back into the OR, I started the drip.

I feel terrible for yelling at her, even though I often have to remind her she isn't a doctor. I was upset about David, but I shouldn't have implied I think less of her because she is a nurse. On the contrary, I respect her more than some of the doctors. She has out-smarted a few in her time, myself included. She was right and I couldn't deny that, there was no reason not to go ahead and start the drip. I wasn't ready to give in to her face just yet though.

I came to concede to her. I tell her she twisted my arm, and in a way she did. If I didn't trust her, I would have waited to start the drip. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have told her she was right, or forgiven her for telling David he was in remission. All the things that make me trust her, are what draw me to her. They say the thing that frustrates you most about the one you love is actually the thing you love most about them. I know it to be true. All of the crazy things she does for the good of her patients, it is like a magnet to me. I have to scold her for them as her boss, but that just draws it out of her more. Her indignation, which should just make me angrier, is what makes it impossible to stay mad.

She won't always be right, and on that day I will do all I can to protect her from herself. I will do my best to keep her passion from boiling over. To stop her from doing something that can be undone. But when she asks me if I'm sure, it's all I can do not to give in to that too. She is so beautiful and smart and charming and I fall harder with every argument and friendly banter we exchange. She won't always be right about everything, but I'm pretty sure she will always be right for me.


End file.
